Between two worlds
Being here, away from home, makes me often think of what home actually means to me. In my contemplation I haven’t come any further than the old, well-known truth: Home is where my beloved ones are. Because with them is where my heart lies.
So my heart is now split in two: One which is in love with this country and people living here, and the other one which loves everything that is left behind. In hope to find a new place which would bless me with a feeling of belonging I have found both: This and also a great confusion which spins me around like a wild, restless tornado. Instead of arriving somewhere I feel now more then ever like living between two worlds: My home here and my home there.
Every time the one half of my heart wants to give itself in to the present moment, enjoy it to the fullest, forget and not to think about what the other half has left behind and maybe even lost, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that everything here is so breathtaking and so exciting. I feel guilty that I have found people here who are dear to me. I feel guilty every time I feel happy. It seems like I have robbed not only a half of my heart but also the people from back home. The only reassurance in this case are words of a friend of mine: If you are dear to them as they are to you, they will be happy even about the tiniest part of your heart you can devote to them. I truly hope he is right.
Now I know that going away from something that means a lot is easy, only if a person knows that it still will be there when they return. For me this it is my family and friends. I always have considered the joy of reunion as one of the greatest in the whole white world. But I also am afraid that they will not be there for me when I return and when I will be ready to share my time with them again. I am afraid that there will be no reunion because they might have moved on or moved away. I can’t ask them to wait for me forever. But forever is what I would like to have now.
So time itself has become a surrealistic experience here. I feel the two dimensions of it, the past and the present, stronger than ever before. And present seems like a dream. Actually even more: It is everything I have never dared to dream of. It is a bliss. Because even when my spirits are down there is a star of happiness shining upon my head and within my soul. Do you know this sweet sorrow?
It is easy to be happy in the new world and new home because I AM new here. I am reborn. It is like having a second chance: One is prevented from making the same mistakes as in the past. thus one can start to build new home and new self from scratch.
Every single day in this new home and inside the new self feels like two or even three. So full of groundbreaking discoveries they are! It is as they say: As soon as a person steps outside the usual and common one, they discover and learn in the speed of lighting. It is a process of triple meaning: It involves discovering the new world, discovering myself and creating the new me. And once again there is fear involved. The new me. I know that I like it and people who surround me here like it. But will THEY like it? They who are still there, in the world of my past, and whose opinion has been the most important for me since the day I remember myself? And what if they don’t notice it at all? I am afraid it might disappear for the good then and never come back because it was accepted only in the new home and not in the old one. Is there a place for the new in the old? I know I am new inside, but is it also outside? Will they see it? I don’t want them to see me as the person who left. I want them to see me as the person who arrived.
A strange shift has showed itself: The world of back home should be my consolation and my support. It should be my warm and cosy place where to return to, where to crawl up in a ball and sleep the brumal sleep while wicked winds of the new and scary world are blowing outside. But it is not. It is like Poltergeist following me wherever I go and stepping on my toes, wanting me to pay for my past sins. And yet I can’t deny that this Poltergeist means the world to me. In truth I don’t want it to leave. It is big, eerie and yet comforting. It reminds me of all the choices I should have made but have not. It reminds me of all the good, loving words I had in mind and on the tip of my tongue but I haven’t said out loud, certain that it knows how I feel about it. It makes me be aware of these words and feeling now more then before. And I cherish them. It reminds me of all the silent glimpses filled with love I have caught throughout the years. So, yes, I don’t want it to leave, yet I wish it would step back and let me be at ease.
I assume that now I know how a soul that is doomed to wander between the Heaven and the Earth feels like. It is confused as am I living between these two worlds.
by Annija Sprivule, Latvia
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